Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
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I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.