90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
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person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.