girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
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My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.