I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
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whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me