MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
You Might Also Like
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
me and the Superbowl rn
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th