Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
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Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this