[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
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I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
*frowns in Scottish*
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Yes, this is exactly right
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.