*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
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*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up