One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
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Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.