me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
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I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
same bro
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.