getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
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Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
“Wait, let me explain..”
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely