[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
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Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Cake safety first. Always.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”