I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan