drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
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Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.