The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
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To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance