I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
You Might Also Like
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
only 11 steps left