Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
You Might Also Like
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
liiiiiiiiike
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT