Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
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[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.