If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
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If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Has science gone too far?
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.