Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
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ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.