me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
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*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
me: my friends:
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Jurassic park gets weird
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
This a good idea
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.