I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
You Might Also Like
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
smh
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*