Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
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i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
The pasta is now