Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
You Might Also Like
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
December birthdays be like…
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.