Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
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Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.