put ‘er there pardner!
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I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Customer is always right
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Catercrombie & Fish