I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
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Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin: