And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
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My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
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Cat armor
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How to stop armored cats
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Dress for the job you want to sleep at
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.