BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
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I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
when u come home smelling like another dog
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!