The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
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“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Anyone want a chair?
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.