“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
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Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
You deplete me
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
lmfao come on
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.