So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
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Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
greetings!
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
lol
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans