For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
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Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
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me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.