Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
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[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*