ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
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detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul