Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
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I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*