Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
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Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
real
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching