Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
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Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.