Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
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“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.