Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
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Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
My favorite female superhero
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
North and South
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’