A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
You Might Also Like
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
the last thing a carrot sees
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Good morning.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Waiting for the Charmin
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.