Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
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Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”