You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
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“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?