If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
You Might Also Like
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
He took my last fry, your honor
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.