TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
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These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
When I said I liked it rough.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies