What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
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I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Why soy sad?
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
huge if true: the moon
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.