There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
You Might Also Like
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I’ve had worse
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.