A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
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Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.