Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
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[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
An odd boast
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
What the hell happened here.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
This did not end as expected.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know