Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
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*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
All generalizations are stupid.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.